First Heartbreak: The Pain, The Lessons and Truths

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I had several breakdowns and I was almost sinking back to depression after experiencing my first heartbreak from my first relationship as an adult. I’ve been dating someone from quite some time. Here’s how it started if you want the backstory.

This is also one of the reasons why I was on hiatus for some time unable to write anything. From “let’s see how far we can go” to “we can’t go anywhere“. I knew sometime that this was bound to happen but still, I refused to see it that way. I remained optimistic that things will work out on its own as long as we both want it. But I guess it was just me.

Stages of Grief

We had a talk and discussed the many reasons why this wouldn’t work out. I didn’t want it to happen. I cried a lot. Bucket loads of tears that I had to take sick leave for two days. I went through the first of the 5 stages of grief. I was first in denial of what was happening. I couldn’t believe it. I refused to believe it. I went through an emotional spiral. I almost went mad. I wanted to shout, to scream, to cry and hurt myself.

Then, I tried to bargain. I tried to reason with him, proposed alternative solutions to make it better and told him that we can work this out together. Like what he used to say. But he only said that he can’t do any better. And he ended it. There’s nothing anymore. So I cried and cried. I cried myself to sleep. I was reminiscing all the memories, trying to figure out what went wrong and why did this happen?

It Hurts Because You Remember The Good Times

I could have sworn that I cried enough to fill a bathtub for days. I tried to hide it. Even when I got back to work, I’d spend an hour or two in the bathroom to let it all out. I felt pathetic because I was crying so much. I didn’t expect that it would hurt so much. I’ve never experienced this kind of pain.

It hurts so badly because I remember all the good things, the good times when we were together. Everything reminds me of him. The things we used to do, the places where we used to go and even the foods that we used to eat. I couldn’t get him out of my mind no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I would drift back to the happy memories. Then I’ll get sad over the fact that it will never happen again.

You Can’t Force Someone In Your Life

As for him, I guess he wasn’t just ready to let someone in his life. Maybe he tried but then he realized, he wasn’t ready for this. Many people in their 20s are still lost. They are still in the process of finding themselves, their purpose, what they really want.

They are still confused and unsure about what to do. It’s not just about us and our own feelings. Maybe they had their own reasons, their own struggles and right now, there won’t really be a room for you in their life or for love. Maybe they need space, time and to figure out their own issues before they are ready to commit with someone.

It’s sad but we have to accept it.

Do Things You Used To Do Before Him

When you’ve been with someone there will be times where you cannot imagine what life was like before them. You just got used to it. Although it may be difficult, we just have to adjust to it and what changed. It will take a while but it will get better.

Just do the things you used to do before them. For me, it was writing, reading and coming back to the world of online games. I was fine before. I was happy, free, a little lonely but it’s nothing that a cup of coffee or hot chocolate with marshmallows can’t fix.

Spend more time with your friends and family. People who actually care about you and may be able to help you cheer up. It will make the healing process a lot better.

Learn to Love Yourself First

Now I understand why people say this. If you really love and value yourself, you know your worth. You know how much you deserve and you wouldn’t settle for less.

You won’t even have to beg for second chances or anxiously wait for them to come back for you. You won’t even have to cry that long. Because if you love yourself, you are whole. You can be happy with or without someone.

Knowing how to love yourself is a sign of mental maturity and independence. You don’t need to depend on someone in order to be happy.

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