I am suicidal but I want to live – Why Depression sucks

Depression

When people hear the word Depression, they would often think about sadness. However, it is more than just “sadness”. Sadness eventually goes away but depression is a different thing. It is something that affects you in your everyday life, the things you used to love no longer excites you as it used to be, you lost touch with your friends and loved ones. It’s like shutting down without knowing when you will reboot.

How Depression Affects Me

There are times that I think that the world is better off without me. To be honest, I don’t think it would make much difference at all except for my family and close friends. I am suicidal and before you start questioning things, no I am not cutting myself. I don’t want to die. I am not harming myself. I don’t plan to do anything about it. I try not to give in to these thoughts.

I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Every single day I wake up disappointed. I just want to fall into a deep sleep. Sometimes I wonder if oblivion is better than this constant ringings inside my head but I want to be alive.  You may call it both strength and a weakness. I am too scared to inflict pain upon myself but every day a small piece of myself dies. I want to live but not this way. Deep inside, I know that I am fighting for something and maybe it is worth living for.

I want to be gone but I also want to live

I don’t want to end my existence yet. I am strong enough not to do it for now but what if it gets worse over the next few days, months or years? What if I got tired and one day I am not strong enough anymore?

I don’t think most people would understand. Especially for those people who knew me, they wouldn’t have guessed that I am going through something inside my head. I am living a normal life. We are not struggling, we are not in debt, we are lucky enough to be able to afford the good things in life, we travel to places and trying to make the best of our circumstances. Every single day I put a mask on in my face just to cover the fact that my mind is a mess.

“You just need to toughen up”

“You shouldn’t think about it”

“Just be positive!”

How I wish it was easy. Believe me I tried my best to always look on the bright side. Sadly, there is no on and off button for this feeling. It’s always there. You can’t just magically wave your wand and expect it to go away. Everyday I am fighting a war inside my head and up until now, no one is winning this battle.

I know that I need help. I am trying my best to cope up with this. I know that there are many things in life that is worth living for. I know that there is so much more to this than sadness, pain and sorrow. I just have trouble seeing it whenever a dark grey mist is surrounding me. I know that this happens to life and not just to myself but it can also happen to everyone.

So if you know someone who is silently suffering. Don’t be too hard on them. We don’t need to be told that we are weak and a coward. We are fighting a war and I think it takes courage to continue living. We are warriors and we are trying but it is not as easy as you think.

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